slow down quickly

I have been in a little bit of a predicament for the past few days and it has been something looming on the periphery of my life. There is a man that I have found so much connection with on many levels.

You know it isn't super common for a man to be motivated to live a full life, living a full life while being motivated, adventurous, cautious while being adventurous, modest, successful while maintaining modesty, funny, and able to make me cry with laughter while being funny. This is all one man mind you. Who knew?

Here comes this sense of urgency in me to make things happen. I need to know suddenly how he's feeling. Here comes my impatience to see results quickly. Well, after a certain amount of time of demanding life to be whatever you make of it, I tire from exhausting the system. I suddenly don't want to know, don't need to know. I do not find nearly the amount of satisfaction that I do from allowing life to lead me. What happens in this life will happen.

This has a tendency to seep in most commonly with the men in my life, but as of late (the last 6 months or so), I have really migrated from a person who was so inclined to be proactive to a person who will allow life to lead me. I find that I am so often trying to paddle my way through the river of my life, as opposed to letting my river take me with it.

For really, I am rushing and rushing to the finish line, all to achieve what? I mean what am I really needing so urgently that I couldn't just be patient? Is there something beneficial to taking life completely in my control?

Because at the end of the day, control is just an illusion. We have all found ourselves in the midst of this battle to achieve control. But control over what...ourselves, our relationships with our work and friends, romantic relationships...but at the end of the day, all of that is unpredictable. At the end of the day, you could find yourself in many unfortunate positions:

1) not knowing who you are
2) being fired from a job
3) losing friends
4) losing a lover

And then you find that all of the energy you wasted on trying to control these elements of your life were to waste. So here it is. No moment is even within our control, so what are we trying to have such a tight grasp on? I find myself eagerly needing an answer to this question (kidding).

Instead, I will quickly slow down. I will allow life's current to take me with it, and I will gladly follow.