moving on

Moving West Moving On. I find that I have moved west, but sometimes feel that I haven't really moved on completely from the things that I want to move on from. I have definitely let go of some things that I desperately needed to let go of, but there are circumstances that I find difficult to release myself from an all encompassing grip over me. And I am ready to. I am ready to move on.

Late last week I was informed that a friend of mine here in Boulder took his life. There is shock that runs through my veins. There is sadness that makes my heart so heavy. There is fear that another tragedy will fall into my path. There is anger that he felt this was a solution. There is a sea of unanswered questions that I find myself drowning in. I want to know details, I want to know every aspect of his circumstance so that I can know all that is knowable. But as I search and search for these things, exausting my brain and body, I come to an important realization: I am done miring.

Don't misunderstand, I find myself in a very odd middle ground at the moment because I not only want to have peace and closure with each of these circumstances, and want to have an element of acceptance to them, but I also want to give them the credit and attention that they deserve. I don't want to "move on" without having really moved on. So it is a tough balance for me to strike right now. At what point am I able to say that I have moved on if I really haven't? And is it appropriate for me to want to move on quickly? Does this mean that I am becoming numb to the circumstances that are truly tragic?

And here I realize something important too: everyone is so incredibly different. Different in the way that images and ideas are processed, different in the way they conduct themselves on a daily basis, and really different on the way that they cope. No one is expected to cope for a certain period of time, and nobody should be singled out for how quickly or not it takes to get through something.

So in my mind, I don't then feel badly for wanting to move on. I want peace in my valley, but the only way to have peace in your valley is if you have peace from within. So I come here today wanting nothing more than calm seas. I went to bed two nights ago scared of the day that would follow. I was afraid because I didn't want to be confronted with another event that would shatter my heart. And even though it happened rather slowly, I got through that day. And then another day and another. And here I am today, wanting nothing more than peace. I deserve peace.

So from here on out, I remember those people who were so dear to my heart who are no longer physically with me. I remember the joy that they brought to my life, and I keep their memory positive in my heart, and don't focus on the sadness. I appreciate the battles I have fought and won, and feel empowered for my new found inner strength. But now I am choosing to start each day as a clean slate. No more miring, no more being dominated. I am choosing to live amongst the unpredictability of life, not be afraid of it.